A Story of Flatulence

We’ve all had those moments where we’re sitting there minding our own business, only for our stomach to have other ideas. Farting is a natural bodily process that can also leave us in debilitating embarrassment. What can you do when you hear the grumble in your stomach begin singing the song of flatulence?

In these situations you’re typically left with 4 choices. 1 is to let it out, and hope it’s both silent and odourless. Sure that could happen, but life tends to have other ideas. As the room slowly fills up with toxic smell, you will immediately point your finger at the person next to you and accuse them of the evil deeds; of course the sly smile on your face could go noticed, leaving you as prime suspect. So maybe we’ll skip that scenario. Now you’re left with 3 more options.

Option 2 involves you shamelessly admitting to the acts with brazen confidence, scaring everyone in the room in the process. Your look of satisfactions and deep laugh at the sight of infecting everyone in the room with your stench is bound to earn you a smelly reputation. Yes it’s natural, but so are cobra’s, and yet they can both kill you, metaphorically speaking of course. I have yet to hear about fart death, and nor do I want to scar my mental health by googling it.

Option 3 seems like the most rational, you simply hold it in, excuse yourself, then let out in the toilets. Obviously I’m here to point out how completely wrong you are about this assumption. 1 this is relying heavily on the fact that you only have to go once. What happens when you get multiple bouts? Are you going to continuously excuse yourself to the toilets? That’s just going to make you look like a junkie, constantly getting up to get his/her hit in the toilet. Or even worse, it could make you seem like you have some strange toilet fetish, especially if you come back with a look of happy relief each time. I know what you’re thinking; toilet fetishes aren’t a real thing. Well you’d be right, but I’m working really hard to make it a real thing, I’m even starting an awareness campaign. I actually wrote this article just to spread awareness. Yeah, that was totally my reason…

The final option is you hoping to be able to hold it in quietly and that it somehow disappears magically to the pits of your stomach. Life being the ever joyous string of embarrassing tragedy will mostly disagree with your optimism. Instead it will leave you with clogged up gas piercing your intestines in paralysing pain. There you are dancing the tango with the girl/guy of your dreams, holding in your dangerous farts, thinking you’ve conquered the moment… Then a sudden sharp pang hits you in the stomach, the pain catches you off guard, making you kick yourself in the leg, twisting an tangling in a way that doesn’t seem humanly possible. You then fall head first into a tray of drinks, leaving the room to look at you startled, only to have it roar with laughter a second later. Of course this is unlikely to happen, mainly because people don’t dance tango anymore.

Now knowing that all scenarios lead to permanently scaring embarrassment you might be wondering how exactly to deal with your stomach problems. Prevention should be a priority, and understanding the root cause is key. Stay tuned for our next piece were we will be discussing the causes of bloating and flatulence.

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